Death on the brain

In the past 11 days, I have known 4 people who have died at 4 different times in 2 different ways. The day after thanksgiving, a parton from the FCL died in a tragic accident in an attempt to help his wife. He gave his life to save another. He was 35 years old. A woman from my church died at the age of 93 from old age and other reasons. A friend's brother died in a car accident at the age of 12, and her sister (10 years old) is still in a coma. A girl I've known for 7 years died last night in another car accident because of the ice and the loss of control. She was heading back to college from home. She was 18 years old.
I have so many emotions building up inside of me and I feel extremely overwhelmed with sadness, but I cannot make it come out. I can't shed a tear. I can't really be sad, and I have no idea why. I would feel soooo much better if I could just lay on someones lap and cry my heart out while they stroked my hair, but my entire body is fighting that natural impulse. Why can't I just let it out? Let it go?
Also, my mom is having surgery on Monday, and I am starting to stress about that. I'm not worried about anything happening to her, I'm sure she'll be fine. But she is beginning to freak out about it and her stress causes me stress. She is having a lump removed from just below her ear and is worried because it is so close to her head. And with all this talk of death, my mind is wondering to the worst of posibilties at the moment. But I still can't find the ability to be upset.
It's finals week. This is the last week of the semester and I have to study in order pass, but I can't concentrate. Not because I don't want to, but because my head keeps drifting off into areas of panik and antisipation. Lord, please calm my nerves...
Christmas is right around the corner. The most stressful time of year, for me at least. Mom often gets :sick: around this time of year as well, and NOTHING is more stomach-churning to me than her landing herself back in the hospital. I don't care about the gifts or the cards or the money or the food, all I want is for it to slip by without any major explosions and for the new semester to start. I want peace this Christmas...please??
It's 6:12 am and I have yet to go to bed. I tried, but I just can't seem to relax. I havn't been able to relax since the day I moved in. I still LOVE college, but I think my body hates it. All I want is a real nights sleep and peace of mind, is that too much to ask for? I guess I'll just have to keep on praying and trusting...which I'm having a hard time doing at the moment. I could use a prayer.

~sarah lynn, emotionally-challenged educatee

I'm back

Wow...so it's been a while since I've been on here...oops!!

ALOT has happened in the last month. I'm not going to get into specifics (if you really wanna know, email me...) but I have let alot go and made some big decisions because of recent events.

Thanksgiving break starts in 3 days, and I gotta say that I'm not as thrilled as most of the students are to be going home. I am, however, very excited to be working 4 out of 5 days that I'll be home. That sure puts a smile on my face :D I also get to go to Grace Chapel for the first time in 3 months and I CAN'T WAIT to see everyone and hear Heather lead worship again...omg it's just not the same without her. AND I get to go bowling with Young Life as an alumni (I've never been an alumni of anything before...im pretty pumped about that!!) and Kyle is going so that will be super fun! AND THE BEST PART OF ALL is that I'll FINALLY get to see Sue's belly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!

I went to the Bee's Knees last night with Maria, Cindy, Molly and Laura last night and it was soooo fun! It was so good to just spend time with them catching up and having a good time. I miss all my library peeps insanely.

I do have a prayer request...my Uncle Kenny has *i think this is what it's called* pancriotic cancer and is having an operation in the beginning of December. He has already gone through another type of cancer (skin cancer i think) so this is just not good news.
Also, my Great-Aunt Sharon has a skin cancer called melanoma and had a bump removed from her breast and somewhere else on her body yesterday morning. I have not heard the result of the tests, but this is a common cancer in my family (ALOT of my great aunts and uncles have cancer). So if you wouldn't mind saying an extra prayer for them, it would be much appreciated.

Well I need to get working on my 2 papers and a powerpoint and excel project (yay! not....) but I hope y'all have an amazing night!!

-sarah lynn, invested individual

Cedar Point

So a group of us went to Cedar point yesterday for Halloweekends. It was so much fun!! It was freezing, funny, silly, terrifying, screaming, freezing day. We rode all the big rides and hit a few haunted houses. Then came the scary part. CarnEvil. Pirates. Scare Zone. I was quite literally latched onto Steve for 3 hours. They made me go through the CarnEvil zone, and I was almost in tears. First of all, it's in the middle of Snoopy Land (for those of you who don't know, I'm TERRIFIED of Snoopy...I'm dead serious, he's my worst fear) and then it was full of clowns!! I HATE CLOWNS!! I was sooo scareddddd. And the Scare Zone was enough to make me pee my pants. At one point, I turned around cuz Steve was like "watch out Sarah" and right over my shoulder was this I don't know what to call it monster mask that I was nose to nose with as he was talking to me asking me "what's wrong Sarah? what are you afraid of?" I was under Ashley's coat so fast it wasn't funny. This girl and I (this normal just like me girl) scared the crap out of each other cuz we were so afraid! It was sooooo cold out yesterday and by the time I got out of the first Scare Zone, I was sweating profusely. That's how scared I was. By midnight, I was beyond ready to run out of the park. But I still had a lot of fun despite being scared out of my mind :)

Just call me Grace

I fell off my bed last night. Well, techinically it was this morning at 3 am. Nay and I had just finished watching Dirty Dancing and I was leaning over the side of my bed to stretch my soar back. Just so you know, my matress is at least 3 1/2 feet off the ground, it meets my chest when I'm standing next to it. So I had hooked my feet to the back of my matress and hung my torso over the side of the bed, like I do all the time. But this time, when I tried to push myself back onto the bed by pushing up on the desk, I slipped and started toward the tile floor. My lower body smacked the dresser, then scraped past the plastic storage drawers, landing on the cold hard floor in fetal position. Nay and I were laughing so hard we were crying, that was until I looked down. The lights were all off and the only light came from the soft glow of the tv. I felt a pain in my leg and looked down to see what was wrong. Even in the darkness, I could still see a dark purple 5 inch mark on my leg. So I jumped up (in pain) and turned on the light. Sure enough, my leg had a beautiful bruise already forming right before my eyes. So I went downstairs to get some ice for the swelling and I found myself struggling to make it back up the stairs. My calf very quickly became swollen and firm, like a softball had been planted in my leg. After attempting to ice it, unsuccessful because of the stinging pain the frozen water caused, I tried to get just a little sleep. But every time I turned on my right side, I would be rudley awakened by the overwhelming pain coming from my calf muscle. When I woke up in the mornign for class, I was unable to put much pressure on it and it was harder then I thought possible. Even now, its extremely swollen and SOOOOOOOOOOO painful. Once again, I'm limping and hating it. Wasn't 14 months long enough? (aparently not)

~sarah lynn, clutzy comedian

Sick

I've been sick since Tuesday night and it SUCKS. (yes maria...that word applies here) I've had a scratchy throat-runny nose-pounding headache-cold for way too long. I was sure that by now it would be gone, but I feel just as awful as the very first day. And I havn't seen Nay (roommate) for days cuz she is absolutely determined NOT to get sick. She doesn't even sleep here!! I've been resting and downing Nyquil...that doesn't work...for days now. On Wednesday night, I took Nyquil at 10pm and was still awake at 2am. So I took another dose at 2:30am and was still awake at 5:30am. So I pretty much have been laying be bed this whole week but getting absolutely NO sleep whatsever which is killing me. I totally bombed my math test (i think) cuz I couldn't even see straight. Grrrrrrrrrr........

Last night was Men and Women's night with CRU. We went to a local church and separated genders into 2 groups. Then we played some games and went to some seminars. I chose "Onslought: The world's image vs. God's image" and "Success: The world's definition vs. God's definition". I wasn't feeling very well so afterwards, I was just kinda sitting and taking a breath when Ashley approached me and asked if I would like to go get hot chocolate with her afterwards so we could talk. So we did, and omg I shocked myself. I told her the truth, and overcame a very big fear. I said "yes" to her. Wow.

I'm still madly searching for a job. No luck thus far. I'm sooooo desperate, I'll do anything. I've applied to so many and heard back from none, very discouraging. But I'm not giving up. But it is my main prayer request right now, I NEED A JOB!

I'm gunna go put on a movie and attempt to crash for a few so my head stops throbbing. Over and out.

~sarah lynn, suffering sicky

Same old, Same old

Not much has changed since the last post. I've applied to 6 different jobs and havn't heard back from any of them. Grrr. I'm going for an interview at McDonalds in a half hour...woohoo...

Both of my suitemates are sick with colds, and Nay (roommate) is determined not to get sick. I don't see that really being a possibility since we share a bathroom and don't sleep so our immune systems are crap. Wish us luck.

ummm what else?? Not much really. I miss my puppy insanely and can't wait for belly-bear :-) Ya, my mind is kinda blahed out right now, sorryyyy.

~sarah lynn, blank blockhead

Good and Bad

I'm still loving college, but I struggling to stay strong physically. I've been having an extremely rough time with my past issues and they are catching up to me. My body is very weak right now, and I know I've done this to myself, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle. Anyway, I could use a prayer for the courage to stay strong, and healthy.

Classes are still going well, as are studies. The work load is not too heavy, which I am very thankful for. But still no job found, unfortunately.

I had an amazing night on Saturday. I went to a barn dance with CRU and guess what?? There were horses there!!!! I couldn't stay away from them all night, and talked to the owner for quite a while. She told me that if I ever found my way out there, that she would love for me to come just ride the horses in the ring and through the trails. HOW AMAZING!?! That was definitely a prayer answered. Now I just have to get a car...

Well I have to go get ready to go out. I'm having dinner with a friend at her apartment in a while, then I have Bible Study after that, and a floor meeting after that!! Busy night. Wish me luck!

~sarah lynn, indebted individual

Sleep Deprived

Ok we all know I never slept when I lived at home, but oh my gosh let me just tell you that I have not slept for more than 3 hours a night since I've moved to college. On weekdays, I average about 2 hours and weekends, maybe 3. But that's it. And it's not like I'm up doing things (well sometimes I am....) but mostly I'm just laying in bed staring at the ceiling completely wiped out but unable to put myself to rest. This is NOT how I planned to start my year, but I guess it's the hand I've been dealt. No royal flush here...

I have been very active in CRU (campus crusades for Christ). I went to the weekly CRU meeting last night and Denny's afterword, and hung out with this really cool boy I met, Grant, for a while before I headed back to my room. I go to the weekly Bible studies, led by CRU, and am planning on going to the fall weekend in October. I really like this group of people, and I've made a few friends through it. Ashley, one of the CRU interns, is pretty cool. We met up yesterday and talked for a while. Good times. And I'm going to church with Ashley on Sunday, cuz I didn't really like the church I went to last week, so I'm gunna try another one.

I'm really missing the Library. I miss the people and the books and the work and the sounds and the patrons...annoying and not...I miss shelving and shelf reading and talking and sorting and just everything. I really did LOVE my job, and even more sure now that it's what I want to do with my life. I didn't realize how incredebly passionate and in love with the library I was until I couldn't spend all of my extra time there. Yes, I am 100% sure I want to be a librarian :-)

I got a new phone on Wednesday. My other one kept turning off everytime I closed it, so an upgrade was greatly needed. I got a maroon ENV 2, one I've wanted since I saw it. And I love it just like I thought I would.

I've been running several times a week at the Rec/IM. It's helped release some tension, but has made me even more tired cuz of the whole no sleep thing. I've also become a clean freak! Something I didn't really expect. I make my bed everyday, clean the bathroom every week, sweep the floor, put everything away when I'm done with it, I just like it clean. I know this may sound like normal things for most people, but if you know me, you know that for my whole life, I've lived in a very messy home and was never made to clean anything up. So wanting everything to be clean all the time is so new for me. But I kinda like it...

Ok, well I've got homework to do. Later people...

~sarah lynn, sleepy student

First Bad Day

I'm not having a good day. I'm struggling and in pain and worried and stressed and sad and confused and dizzy. This is the first day that I have felt even an ounce of the pain I thought I'd left behind. This is a moment I would normally call someone and ask for help, I need help right now. It's been a few weeks since I've felt this...I don't know...alone. And it has nothing to do with missing home or people or times or anything like that. It's simply my struggles taking hold of me again. I guess I shouldn't complain, after all, they are MY struggles. Oh well, let the pain go on...

~sarah lynn, struggling sinner

Exhausted

Oh my gosh I am so exhausted. I didn't realize how much time awake I have been spending, and now it's knocking me down. I went to my first party last night and it was fun, but I could definitely feel it when I woke up this morning. I've already had at least 6 hours of homework in 3 days, which caught me by suprise. And let me just tell you, this 3 meal plan a day thing is sooooo much food!! I can't even begin to handle it!! I kinda feel bad just letting a whole meal a day go waste, but I just can't do it. Oh well...

So it's my first official weekend at EMU and so far, so good. I've been doing homework and chatting online and just hanging out, it's nice not to have 5,000 commitments. But on Monday, I'll be dragging myself to the student services hall and will be attempting to get a job. Goodness I need one, and honestly, I miss working. I miss the community and busyness. Hopefully I'll get it soon.

I'm guna go nap now, peace out.

~sarah lynn, restlessly exhausted

First Day of School

I just finished my first day of classes. I have to say that three classes spread throughout the day is not a bad deal. And I totally have enough time to manage everything, with time to spare!! I got a little homework, just reading assignments and materials to get. So amazinggg.

I can't believe how different college is from high school. I can wear what I want, go wherever I want, have my computer in class, stay out as late as i want. I can do anything here. Oh my gosh the wait was sooooo worth it.

I got the cutest note in my mailbox today and it put a HUGE smile on my face :) Thank you, you know who you are.

Anddddd I'm getting a new phone!! Woot! I think I've decided on the Verizon Glyde. Touch screen with a full keyboard slide. Upgrade baby!!

K, I'm out to get my nails done and get more books from Mike's. Peace out.

~sarah lynn, content college student

Starting College

I've been at EMU for 4 days now, and I've loved EVERY minute of it. So far, college is everything I dreamed it would be and more. Granted, classes havn't actually started yet, but like I said...so far... It's freedom, it's responsibility, it's opportunity, it's new friends, it's education, it's flexible, it's chance, it's missing memories, it's a foot in the door, it's amazing. My personal space is exactly how I want it to be and the people I share my new life with are such a fun crowd.

Orientation has been a blast. We've explored the city and the campus, met LOTS of new people, been fed really good food, been given so much free crap it's not even funny, and so much more. Birdman will forever make me laugh O_O --> O)))

I've had only a moment or two of sadness thus far. I REALLY miss my belly-bear and my pooty-butt. It's been hard not having an animal trip me everytime I take a step. Even though it was super annoying, I miss it just the same. (not that it's not nice to be animal-hair free!!) But other than missing my babies (animals and kids) I havn't even thought about wanting to go home. I love college, soooo much.

I have my first class tomorrow at 10 am, only a few short hours away. I'm not nervous at all, rather extremely excited!! Anyone who knows me well knows how much I've always missed school during the summer (it's so wrong, I know) and I can't wait to jump back into the swing of things, well, a new swing I guess. I can't wait to learn as much as I can :)

~sarah lynn, official EMU eagle